Canon Rowling and The Fatal Fate
by Power Hungry Ostrich
Summary: Hello to all fanfictioners. Want to know the hard truth? This is what we're all doing. Yes. Me and you and you and you too. And you - yes, the one with unwashed brownish hair. I know you do it too. There might be a bit... just a little bit of swearing. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Canon Rowling and the Fatal Fate

"Something's off" said Hermione. She was sitting at the table, eating breakfast with her friends: Harry and Ron. Harry looked at her questioningly. Ron didn't even bother to look up from his plate. In between the bites of sausage and scrambled eggs, he tried to choke out: 'y u 'ink s' 'Mione?", but all in all, he decided, that breathing was more important.

"Something's really off" the girl repeated, not really paying attention to Ron stuffing his mouth with a muffin or Harry brooding over a bowl of oatmeal. She was looking around the Great Hall, trying to figure out what was wrong with the picture.

_Find ten differences_, she thought with mirth, remembering a muggle game she used to play as a kid. There were two pictures, one of which subtly differed from the first one and her task was to find as many differences as she could spot. Now, she felt she was doing something very similar.

The problem was, that it seemed to be a normal everyday breakfast in the Great Hall. The students were chatting at the tables, the owls were delivering mail, Malfoy was sneering at their trio from the other side of the Hall, Snape was kissing McGonagall at the Great Table…

Wait. What?

Her jaw dropped in shock. The lioness was kissing snake and no one seemed to care. Once again she looked around the hall. The Ravens, The Huflepuffs… no one noticed anything unusual. But more disturbing was the fact, that the two houses, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, which should be most interested in this, literally, didn't give a shit. She knew some of them were looking at the teacher's table, they must have noticed!

She elbowed Ron, who was sitting next to her. That made the boy look up at her and ask: 'wut?' A bit of egg fell from his mouth and on the floor. Hermione made a face, but restrained herself from commenting. She wasn't the one to teach Ron manners, though it was certain, that someone should.

"Ron, look at the high table!" she hissed to him. The boy did what she told him, without any interest.

"Yeah" he said, shrugged and went back to doing something far more interesting, than two teachers obviously snuggling in front of all the students – eating his breakfast.

"Ron?" she asked uncertainly. Her friend acted as if he didn't hear her, busy with consuming a toast with jelly. She rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"Harry, did you see…?" she asked, but one look at her best friend, made her drop the matter. Harry looked like a sad rabbit. Did you ever see a sad rabbit? Yeah… Me neither. But it's an awfully sad picture, I'm telling you… If Harry was a rabbit, he would be the rabbit with my-belly-hurts-really-bad expression on his face, tears in his eyes and its ears down. Plus, it would be denied its carrots, so it would look even sadder. The most heartbreaking sight ever. Not pretty, I'm telling you… And that was how Harry Potter looked like, while messing his spoon around in the bowl of oatmeal on a day, when McGonagall was kissing Snape and Ron limited his hobbies to eating. And Hermione Granger stated something was off and grew worried about her friends. Makes sense, doesn't it?

"Harry, what's wrong?" she asked, like a mother asks the child why it silently cries in the corner. Hermione noticed, that while Ron seemed to be eating breakfast for all his housemates altogether, Harry treated food only as something to push around with spoon. Despite that they have been sitting there for well over half an hour, Harry's bowl wasn't emptier, than it had been, when they started eating.

"Harry, you have to eat. You have quidditch training today after class…" she began, but Harry's lips moved in what could possibly resemble human speech, if only Hermione could hear it.

"What was it, Harry?" the girl asked, analyzing her friend's behavior in her head.

"Quidditch is not important" the boy murmured a bit louder "Nothing's important. I can die. Any minute now. What is more important than that?"

Now Hermione was scared.

"Are you alright, Harry? Should I take you to Madam Pomfrey?" she asked, more worried, than she let on. What was it with everyone today?

"I'm fine" the boy said angrily " No, I'm not fine. But I doubt Pomfrey can heal that. I'm hurting. Every fucking day. Full of pain. Can you imagine?"

"Does your scar hurt again, Harry?" she asked, thinking that was the matter "If it does, I think you should go tell Dumbledore, I'm sure he.."

"DUMBLEDORE IS A MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND, HERMIONE?! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON?" her friend screamed, which caused all the heads in the room turn in his direction.

"Harry, what is wrong with you?" asked Hermione, angered and tired of asking questions and not getting answers. Potter laughed maniacally.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! NO ONE KNOWS THE PAIN I LIVE IN! ! ! ! ! !" Harry yelled, manifesting his mental instability with the quantity of exclamation marks. Then, he made a dramatic turn and left the Great Hall, his robes billowing dramatically after him.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for stealing my license for robe billowing!" Snape bellowed in between the kisses. McGonagall made a mental note to win those points back later that night. And possibly even more.

"Albus, what was that?" asked Pomona Sprout, sitting shocked in her chair. The headmaster twinkled his eyes at her and said:

"Well, just Harry being Harry. Lemon drop?" he asked, handing her a small bowl of the mentioned candy.

_A/N: Sorry it's so short, but I just needed to write something light and less attention demanding. I probably post second chapter tomorrow, because I will need a stress reliever. If anyone's curious: Yes, it does have a plot (kind of). What it is? You will have to find out. If this chapter's promising, stay tuned and review! _

_The only thing I own in this story is a cookie I was eating while writing it. But even the cookie came from a shop. And if we want to go further, it comes from the cookie factory. Or whatever. The chocolate is made from cocoa and milk. And they come from nature. So, the most rights to this story goes to the cow that gave milk and some nameless cocoa tree growing somewhere in South America to make my chocolate covered cookie. And possibly some hens, who gave eggs... _

_Well, nothing's mine! _

_And characters belong to J. K. Rowling. _

_Though they act so out of their characters, that it's debatable... _

_Still, I want to thank the producers of my cookie. Look, what it's done to me. It's all your fault, people!_

_I won't believe I actually published this when I wake up in the morning. _


	2. Chapter 2

That was it. The end of the world as she knew it.

Harry was crying in some corner, rocking back and forth, like a lost child, screaming, that no one understood him at some poor first years, that were passing by. Ron wasn't interested in anything, that didn't involve food. Snape continued to snuggle with McGonagall in the corridors and no one gave a shit. Dumbledore just wandered around with his eyes twinkling, sucking lemon drops. The ghosts disappeared from the corridors, which was weird, because they usually were floating somewhere above the students' heads.

It was as if Hogwarts wasn't… well… Hogwarts anymore. And it was important for Hogwarts to stay Hogwarts, because it was Hogwarts and if it wasn't… then what was it? Hermione couldn't imagine Hogwarts as anything else, than what it was, and it seemed, that Hogwarts Hogwarts-ness was endangered.

But it was just a theory. No reason to panic yet…What had happened, anyway? Besides the fact, that two teachers couldn't suddenly resist each other, Harry had mid-life crisis at the age of sixteen and the headmaster was high on lemon drops. Hermione bit her lip. Well, _something_ was going on, but was it that serious to intervene?

Harry's case was probably most worrying, but it was possible, that a bit of chocolate and a warm blanket was all he needed now.

Maybe it wasn't that bad… whatever _it _was. One was for sure: she would watch and she will step in, when thing go too far.

She didn't see Draco Malfoy coming up to her with a flower in his hand.

"Who is this beauty sitting on the Hogwarts stairs? Hermione's her name, but her body worth of Aphrodite and her mind - greater than Athena's! Oh, what shall I do?! I – the heretic! I – the atheist, who denied her existence for all those years! What shall I do – I the mortal, I- the unforgiven to gain the privilege merely to look… No! That would be a profanity! Say, oh goddess! Oh, mistress! What is your heart's desire and I'll clear the way for you! Say a word only and I'll be there right by your side…!"

Hermione sat there, mouth agape, staring at the blond Slytherin in shock. Was Malfoy really declaring his… well… love to her?

She got up and hurried down the hall to the library. It was bad. Time to find the answer why it was getting even worse.

All the restrictions in the library were put down, for some unknown reason and that was one more thing to worry about. It was as if it was not Dumbledore who ran the school, but someone else. Or worse. It was as if there was no one left to run Hogwarts.

She ignored the students kissing passionately here and there and maybe doing something more. Something she didn't want to know about. She ignored the empty space by Ms. Pince's desk. She had more serious matter at hand.

She didn't even stop to look at the books in other sections. She headed straight for the restricted ones. She randomly picked a few thick volumes from the shelves and began to look through them. She gasped and nearly collapsed. Perhaps for the first time in her life, she could not believe in what she read in a textbook.

If she wanted to save Hogwarts, she will need help. She will need someone, who was smart and good with hexes and who cared enough. She needed a friend. But it seemed, that everyone important to her was… well indisposed.

She made her way through the crowd, thinking who else (besides her) was witty enough to see the upcoming changes. She could not help but notice, that the place was more crowded than usual.

_Did we ever have so many students here? _She thought. She looked around, focusing on the details. There sure was more students around, than there should be. She certainly didn't recognize many people, although they looked to be around her age. And she usually didn't have problems with recognizing people from her own year. Besides, Hogwarts wasn't all that big. It was impossible to not recognize someone from sight if they were here for some time.

She entered the Great Hall and she almost fainted. There were so many students there, that she no longer believed it had to be a mistake. She saw that, there were wizards and witches she didn't know at Gryffindor table and a few new Hufflepuffs, but the Ravenclaw's table was overflowing with students, the benches barely containing the number of butts they had to hold. Slytherin's table was the winner in the contest, though. It gained so many new students, that the House split in two tables, each full to its limits.

Shaking her head in disbelief, she came up to her own table. How come no one seems to care about this mess?

"Hello" said a girl, who was wearing Gryffindor colors so must have belonged there, but Hermione could bet her butt, that she hadn't seen her before.

"Hi" she responded kindly, but tentatively. The girl flashed her a bright smile.

"I'm Evanline Maria Evanesca Shangeline Raven Cotton Moonlight" she said on one breath.

"Excuse me… what?!" Hermione really didn't want to be unkind, but that was the only logical thing she could say at the moment. Who names their child like that?

Then she remembered a paragraph from the book she had read and realized what she had to do with. She looked closer at the girl and saw, that besides the Gryffindor scarf, she was wearing nothing… what could be called a school uniform. She was wearing a black leather miniskirt, a leather bra (though how was that comfortable, Hermione could only wonder) and high heels. Black. Everything was black. Her make-up too. And her hair. And her eyes. And nails. As to contrast this, her skin was milky white. Whiter. And even whiter than that. And a bit more paler. Yeah, that's what the color of her skin was. She was so white, a yeti in the middle of a snowstorm couldn't be whiter.

And that whole paragraph was to show you dear reader, just how pale that girl really was. Now, I declare, that the whole description gives nothing to the story, is completely irrelevant, we won't be seeing the so precisely described character ever again in this fic, so if you even began to like this girl, you can now say: Goodbye Evanline Maria Evanesca Shangeline Raven Cotton Moonlight – the girl with a fucking long and pointless name, who showed up here just for ten seconds to show us how awesome she is without actually doing anything awesome, but scared Hermione shitless and made her think: "Merlin, I gotta act quick, before we all got named like that and shit, I have to help Harry before he kills himself, but I don't know where he is and fuck, Malfoy is following me again reading a paragraph of Romeo and Juliet aloud, that is getting so lame and where the heck did he get a copy anyways, he's a pureblood and while we're at it why is he hitting on me, I'm a Mudblood to him and why is everything getting so complicated, it would be better if I had Harry and Ron by my side, but that's impossible, because Harry is Emo and Ron is a pig, well not literally, but he kinda is, because he's still eating breakfast, although it's nearly evening", so if you did like her, then deal with it, because you'll never see her again, but don't worry, there will be other awesome characters.

Caught your breath?

Hermione ignored Malfoys question of why she wasn't a cabbage and if she was a cabbage, would she still be named Hermione and be Hermione, whose smell he loves and got out of the Great Hall before she suffocated.

Outside, she bumped into Ginny. The red head's cheeks were red and her eyes sparkled with tears.

"Harry is not paying attention to me!" she whined and cried "Instead, he painted a pentagram on his forehead, claiming Satan marked him as his equal and that he is a vampire!"

"Satan?"

"No! Harry!" Ginny cried.

"Come with me. I have something important to tell you" said Hermione, taking Ginny to an empty classroom.

"What's going on, Hermione? What's happening?"

Hermione's gaze turned serious.

"Are you familiar with terms 'fanfiction' and 'Mary Sue'?" she asked.


End file.
